07052017/conversation.txt

I was reading today and came across a line that resonated with me. "All things come to an end eventually. But that doesn’t mean it was all for nothing. You can treasure a thing and still let it go." I think that's true. I think that you can still treasure memories of someone and experiences with them and still let it go.

Have a safe trip home.

So, if I'm supposed to read between the lines and decode your tumblr quotes instead of you telling me the thing yourself, you're letting me go? And if you are, let me offer you some unsolicited advice: in order to avoid these five day-long disagreements that emotionally drain you and that I said from the get-go that I didn't want dragging out for the entire weekend, just say the thing to begin with. Get it out there so you're not weighing yourself down. Just say whatever it is that's weighing on your mind, without quotes that can be misinterpreted and without vague hints that don't clearly point to what you're feeling. If you focus so much on it ending, that's all you're going to see. Let things breathe and grow. Getting to know someone on a more intimate level and becoming comfortable with that intimacy with someone else takes time, sometimes a lot of time. So if you're saying what I think you're saying, don't blame yourself and I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be.

I love you.

Why?

You re you.

I don't want you to be anything, but you. Even if being you means moving slow or being you means not being clear or being you means not telling me. I don't care because despite all of that I still love you and being part of this shared experience. I'm learning. I'm still trying. Relationships are hard and I have a lot to work on.

I'm saying, very explicitly, that I am still here. Holding tight.

Then what was that quote supposed to mean?

I dont know. I was just thinking that maybe it would be easier if I just let you go. Then, I wouldn't disappoint you and sound stupid all the time. I wouldn't hate myself for being so self conscious and passive. I'm not that type of person. Or maybe I am?

But as soon as I said it i regretted it. Because i know that was me being a coward and looking for the easy way out. Knowing what i already went through when we broke up the first time which was not easy.

Then you said, "If you focus so much on it ending, that's all you're going to see." So I made a list of all the positives and they reminded me why I'm here.

I'm just sorry. For everything. I know this is so dumb and just unnecessary and I'm a lot to handle. But please don't give up.

Genevieve, let me just say something. The next time someone asks you why you love them, answer that why before strolling up to them at a party and expecting everything to be perfectly fine. Or you know, ask to talk to them in private about it so they don't have to make themselves look like an asshole because they're still waiting on an answer and don't want to make a scene at their friend's thing. The next time someone asks you why you love them, give at least a reason why instead of the generally unhelpful you're you. What is anyone supposed to make of that answer? I know you don't love everything about me. It doesn't clue me into anything other than making me feel like you dropped that I love you as a last-ditch effort to reel me in, and you know what? That's an incredibly cruel, manipulative move. We have tried this twice now, and both times it's come down to a mismatched communication issue. You are bright, perceptive, and sweet, and you'll find someone who will be everything you want and need. We have tried talking through this for almost a week, and I'm still not happy with any of it. I am not that person for you, and I'm sorry.

No. You know what. That's completely unfair. No matter what I do isn't good enough for you and that's not fair. I'm sorry I did not respond to your message in a timely fashion. I did not see it until I came to tell you happy 4th. Otherwise, I would of. I, for some reason, did not get a notification and I'm being penalized for that. I cannot help it when technology fucks up.

You're impossible. You want me to give you a list of specific reasons why I love you? Okay here we go --
I love talking to you.
I love being with you.
I love learning new things with you.
I love going on adventures with you.
I love the simple things we do.
I love how you force me to step outside myself.

There are many things about you that I do love and some things that I don't. And that's okay, because there is no such thing a "perfect mate". I'm trying here and you're not even willing to meet me halfway, which is completely unfair. We haven't tried talking through this for a week, because our conversation has shifted from one thing to the next. We're exploring different concerns.

Last-ditch effort to reel you in? Are you serious? The fact that you think that I would do such a thing is so hurtful and I just can't even...

So, in the end no matter what I said or did was enough. I have tried and you just constantly push back. If I say up, you'll inevitably say down. if I say left, you'll say right. You don't want it to work and fine. Just say that.

I thought it was a pretty important conversation and would have probably looked for a response without a notification if I hadn't heard back. Sometimes a relationship doesn't work out despite our best intentions. Like I said, we've tried this twice, and it's come down to the a similar issue each time no matter what we do. I am not happy, and I'm not going to try to force this or weigh you down.

Okay. Well, I think we're done here. I have nothing more to say and as I said I've tried all that I could to make you happy. And that's just not enough. I hope you find someone who you can love again. Everyone deserves that. In the mean time, please excuse me if I pretend you don't exist. I just can't look you in the eye and pretend you didn't break my heart again.